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12/23/24
being at work again after so long is..stressful. i really dont't wanna be here. it's tiring and i dont like interacting with my coworkers. i dont have the energy to be upbeat and talkative. im just..so flat. i have to work but i dont wanna work. i have to do my job. i dont wanna do my job. im trying to think what im looking forward to but im not sure. today my favorite singer released a new album. im very happy about it. so that's something good to come out of today. im glad.
being at work again after so long is..stressful. i really dont't wanna be here. it's tiring and i dont like interacting with my coworkers. i dont have the energy to be upbeat and talkative. im just..so flat. i have to work but i dont wanna work. i have to do my job. i dont wanna do my job. im trying to think what im looking forward to but im not sure. today my favorite singer released a new album. im very happy about it. so that's something good to come out of today. im glad.
10/09/24
the human body is very scary...when i think about it. i dunno. like...a small wound can heal overnight. which is kind of gross. surgery is gross. i hate it all but im also happy to have gotten it done. the thought of a wound closing up on itself is terrifying. it makes me think of a horror movie where the flesh reaches out and grabs onto itself. idk...i just dont like it.
the human body is very scary...when i think about it. i dunno. like...a small wound can heal overnight. which is kind of gross. surgery is gross. i hate it all but im also happy to have gotten it done. the thought of a wound closing up on itself is terrifying. it makes me think of a horror movie where the flesh reaches out and grabs onto itself. idk...i just dont like it.
10/01/24
im so tired. my sister is in trouble again. it's crazy...she's only in middle school yet she's failing almost all her classes. it's so hard to think about cause like when i was younger, i'd always do my best to be a "good kid" cause then i could get away with things easier. but she doesnt seem to care. she's gotten her phone taken away again. she got caught staying up past her bedtime on the phone. no wonder she's failing her clases when she stays up until past midnight talking to people. like. i get that cause i did the same shit. except even tho i was tired and exhausted i still did my work. i still passed my classes. how am i supposed to deal with this? i know i shouldnt have to but thats just not how it works. my mom is working so hard now that she's sober but im sure this isnt making things any easier for her. i can only be the support for so long. its getting ridiculous. luckily i do start therapy in a few weeks again so maybe that'll do smth for me. on the other hand im also off my meds now that ive run out. so idk how its gonna work out. on top of THAT i have surgery this week. everything is getting so complicated. i wish she was at least better at hiding things. but she really doesnt cover her tracks at all.
on another note...im honestly really scared of this surgery. i know it isnt very invasive or even dangerous but ive never gotten surgery before except having my wisdom teeth removed. im sure it'll be fine...i just need to stop worrying about it. i'll get plenty of time off work and it's not like ill be all alone to recover. so its fine.
im so tired. my sister is in trouble again. it's crazy...she's only in middle school yet she's failing almost all her classes. it's so hard to think about cause like when i was younger, i'd always do my best to be a "good kid" cause then i could get away with things easier. but she doesnt seem to care. she's gotten her phone taken away again. she got caught staying up past her bedtime on the phone. no wonder she's failing her clases when she stays up until past midnight talking to people. like. i get that cause i did the same shit. except even tho i was tired and exhausted i still did my work. i still passed my classes. how am i supposed to deal with this? i know i shouldnt have to but thats just not how it works. my mom is working so hard now that she's sober but im sure this isnt making things any easier for her. i can only be the support for so long. its getting ridiculous. luckily i do start therapy in a few weeks again so maybe that'll do smth for me. on the other hand im also off my meds now that ive run out. so idk how its gonna work out. on top of THAT i have surgery this week. everything is getting so complicated. i wish she was at least better at hiding things. but she really doesnt cover her tracks at all.
on another note...im honestly really scared of this surgery. i know it isnt very invasive or even dangerous but ive never gotten surgery before except having my wisdom teeth removed. im sure it'll be fine...i just need to stop worrying about it. i'll get plenty of time off work and it's not like ill be all alone to recover. so its fine.
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